Melissa and Girls

This is a fairly sensitive and personal subject so I'm not sure how to address it.  My plan is to start typing and just see where this goes.  Hopefully it will all make sense even though I'm not going to get into a lot of detail.

For many, many years I have known that something wasn't right but chalked it up to a variety of things such as :  I have little kids, I work and take care of a family and home, I was pregnant, I was not exercising or eating like I should etc. etc.   I'm not going to address all of the "health" problems I was having because some of them are rather embarassing and gross.  But the one thing that finally got me to the doctor that I am willing to talk about is that I have literally been tired for the last 7 or 8 years.  The past year however it has changed from TIRED to EXHAUSTED and it really changed my life.  I almost feel stupid saying that because I know that everyone is tired so let me explain what I mean.  I started going to bed at the same time as my kids.  Most nights that's between 8:00-8:30 p.m. but sometimes as early as 7:30 p.m.  I would wake up around 5:30-6:00 a.m.  That's anywhere from 9 to 10 hours a night.  I rarely ever got less than 8 hours.  And when I fell asleep it was not a light, I woke up at every sound sleep.  It's more of a, when my head hit the pillow and I was dead to the world until my alarm had been going off for about 30 minutes before my brain kicked in that it was time to wake up, kind of sleep.  You'd think after sleeping that much night after night that I would be able to function.  In reality all I ever could think about was sleep.  The first thought I had each morning was usually that I couldn't wait until the day was over and I could go back to sleep.  Unfortunately life has to go on so I'd get myself up and get things moving.  When at work I'd be okay for a while but around 10:00 or 10:30 a.m. I'd start feeling tired again.  All I could think about was wishing I could take a nap or thinking how I didn't know how I was actually going to make it until 5:00 p.m. because it just seemed like it would take FOREVER to finally be able to leave and go home.  It actually got so bad that there were a few times I told my boss that I was worried I was going to fall asleep at my desk and if I did I would make up my time or use annual leave.  I also started hiding out in the bathroom on my breaks and lean my head on the wall and take quick naps.  Weird, I know, but I needed a place that I could lock the door and be undisturbed.  When I finally was home I would generally stop somewhere and buy dinner for the girls because I was too tired to have to stand up and cook dinner.  I would get in my pajamas as soon as I could.  By this time of night I was barely functioning.  My eyes were burning because I was so tired.  I had to get stuff done though so as I thought about what needed to be done around the house I would think about how much time each task would take and give myself a little pep talk.  I would think things like, "It will only take 10 minutes to do the dishes.  You can handle 10 minutes."  So, I'd do the dishes and then lay back down.  After about 20 minutes or so I'd pick another task and do it.  The night went on like this until the girls were finished with all of their stuff and I would stop, no matter what else needed to be done and go to bed too.  On the nights my girls go to Sean's I used to do all sorts of things.  Go to movies, shopping, something with a friend etc.  That completely stopped.  The nights the girls were gone I was home and in bed and didn't get back out until the next morning.  Whenever I was asked to do something that would last longer than 8 p.m. I wouldn't go.  Knowing I would be exhausted and wouldn't be able to go to sleep when I wanted was unbearable.  I did go out once  with my friend Jennifer to celebrate her birthday.  We went to dinner and then started walking around the mall when she said, "You're tired aren't you?"  We left because I was like a walking zombie and hadn't even realized it.  By the time the weekend arrived I would usually wake up on Saturday morning around 9:00 a.m. by 3:00 I was usually taking a nap that would last anywhere from 1 to 3 hours and I would do the same again on Sunday.  We only went to church a few times over the past 6 months because I couldn't handle another day I had to take the time to get us all ready and somewhere on time.

The reason why I'm explaining all of that is because when I would mention to people I was tired I would hear things like, "everyone is tired" or "maybe you're depressed" etc.  I didn't want to explain all of the above to feel like I had to justify my statement.  I knew it wasn't normal and I had finally had enough.  A friend of mine told me about a new doctor in SF that she had gone to who specializes in hormone levels, thyroid disorders and those types of things.  She told me a few times about him and how much she liked him so I finally made an appointment.  Because I had finally made the decision to go I was hoping to get in quickly but he was booked for a month so I anxiously awaited for April 4th to arrive.  My friend was right, he was an amazing doctor.  He was very easy to talk to about some rather embarrasing problems (remember, I finally went because of my exhaustion but there have been quite a few other problems as well).  After talking to me for a while he told me he knew exactly what I had.  He also took some blood and wanted to test a few other things but once he gave me the information on my diagnosis everything fit.  I was amazed.  Not to down play living a healthy lifestyle, which I absolutely admit I have not even been the best at, but finally knowing that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is something completely out of my control that has affected my health was liberating to me.  There is no cure but it is manageable.  He told me I have probably had it for many years (which would explain why I lost weight with every pregnancy and then gained it afterwards).  I will have to take a medication for many, many years (until I'm at the age that my body won't need this particular "chemical" and more) and with a big smile on his face he told me I was going to be amazed at how much better I was going to feel (as a side note, he also joked about how ironically the medication's main side effect is that it would make me tired so I have to take it at night right before I go to bed).  He told me to do my own research so I can learn more about it.  Once the prescription has helped regulate my body and that aspect of PCOS is under control I will need to start eating a low-glucose (in other words a diabetic) diet.  For more information on PCOS you can look at these websites which I've found helpful:  Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom Association, (this is the best article I found about the chronic fatigue component of PCOS), WebMD and The Mayo Clinic.

The amazing thing to me in all of this is how quickly I started to feel better.  After about 4 days I was at work and I don't remember why but I had to talk to someone about what time it was.  It was 11:00 a.m. and while I was talking about the time it dawned on me that I hadn't thought about being tired ONCE that day.  It dumbfounded me because it was the first time in YEARS that I hadn't thought about sleep but hadn't even realized I wasn't thinking about it.  I guess that just goes to show that when your body is functioning correctly you really DON'T think about what it's doing.  Since then it has gotten even better.  I don't really know how to describe it.  I feel like my eyeballs have lost 10 lbs.  They don't have that heavy feeling anymore.  When I wake up in the morning they feel light and airy if that's really how eyeballs can feel.  I'm not going to bed at the same time as the girls.  In fact, there have been a few times that I've been working on projects and looked at the clock and thought, "Holy crap it's 11:00 p.m.!!!!"  I almost have to force myself to go to sleep because I know my body still needs it but I don't feel tired.  I'm honestly not doing this justice.  All I know is that it's amazing to finally feel normal again.  In fact, there have been a couple times that I have just been so grateful to finally not feel tired anymore that I have gotten quite emotional over it.  I also feel incredibly blessed.  I have since talked to two people who suffer from this.  One woman is in her 50's and was never able to conceive any children.  Another is only 19 and she too suffered from chronic fatigue until she was diagnosed and got things under control.  I have 3 beautiful children and am blessed to live in a time where a doctor can help me understand and control it so I can live a long, healthy life.

Oh, and let's also hope that someday soon I can proudly talk about FINALLY losing weight and feeling pretty and confident enough to finally start dating again.  I don't admit it very often but I HATE everything about the way I look now and it is the main reason (ok, I must tell the truth that I also have some pretty significant trust issues but that's not what this post is about) why I'm not dating....and that's all I'm going to say about that!